It’s been joked about since the Cold War…maybe even before.
What would be left behind to survive..and thrive..after a nuclear bomb destroys life as we know it? My crack research team (okay…my wife and I) attempted to come up with a list of those things that will outlast us all. Some you may be surprised by. Others you already expected..or perhaps more accurately..suspected.
So here goes. We begin with one that just missed the top 10:
Honorable Mention: Scrapple
What the heck is this? If someone can explain it to me in 20 words or less I will be eternally grateful. But, in honor of National Scrapple Day (which is the day of this posting) we will give it its due. All I know is this will get nowhere near my mouth. As far as I’m concerned…you can’t spell ‘scrapple’ without ‘CRAP’.
10. Bazooka Gum
It is the perfect marriage between chewing gum and hard candy If you can ever get it soft enough for you to chew, your jaws will be strong enough to bite through steel. By the way, what is that powdery stuff on the gum when you open the wrapper? Wait..don’t answer that.
Is this really food…or an experiment in cheese making gone terribly wrong?
8. George Hamilton’s Tanning Solution
This is not natural. I honestly think ol’ George has found a way to beat skin cancer…and isn’t sharing. C’mon George,,spread the knowledge. There could be a Nobel Prize for Medicine in it for you.
Speaking of unnatural:
7. Donald Trump’s Hair
Whether it’s real or not (and he’s made every effort on the campaign trail to prove that it is), it’s like that massive car wreck: you don’t want to see it but..strangely enough..you can’t look away. No wind, nuclear or not, will displace that.
6. Slim Jim
Snapping into it is one thing. Chewing it..and dare I say digesting it..is something else altogether.
Congratulations, Hormel and Armour respectively. You’ve created the staples that every underground bunker must have a lifetime supply of. You’ve even tricked us into thinking that it’s a suitable substitute for meat. I admit that I’ve eaten my share of it. Although some will still tell you ‘SPAM’ is actually an acronym for ‘Sh%@ Processed And Marketed’
They have long been the standard joke about survivors of the end of civilization..especially the ones in my hometown of Charleston THAT CAN FLY! Long live the cockroach..and believe me they will live a long time.
You only see them one time each year..around Easter. I’m willing to bet they never actually sell all of them. So are the leftovers stored and re-sold from year to year? Something to think about.
2. Government Cheese
This finished a very close second to our number one item. Its mass production landed it at number two. Even to this day..I say to Ted Allen and the team on the Food Network show Chopped, that this is the basket ingredient that no one wants to see…EVER!
And (with respect to the late Casey Kasem), topping the chart at Number 1:
I said this narrowly edged out Government Cheese for the top spot. That is for one reason. We all know that in the history of the world, there has only really been ONE fruitcake ever made. It just keeps getting passed around from family to family. I don’t ever see anyone eat it…and perhaps that’s with good reason.
So there you have it. As you prepare for the end of humanity, you have your list. Stock up.
And.. if you can replicate the material Trump’s hair is made from. let me know.